Brooks Conrad

The Astros took me in the draft, in June, two-thousand one.
Six summers I played ball for them; then they said I was done.
I signed with the Athletics, but that lasted just a year.
Then Frank Wren said he’d take a chance; that’s how I wound up here.

The Braves were down by six runs on the twentieth of May,
Against the Cincinnati Reds–one inning left to play.
We’d rallied back for three runs by the time I got the call;
With one out and the bases juiced, I got to touch them all.

And almost as exciting, facing Florida in July;
My pinch-hit grand salami broke a Braves and Marlins tie.
That inning saw eight runners score–my RBIs were half.
Though six Braves’ runs were ruled unearned because of Cantu’s gaffe.

Top of the ninth in Houston and the skipper called my name;
An RBI would tie it but a clout could win the game.
Their closer’d only given up three gopher balls all year–
I sent the ball to Crawford Street and swept the bases clear.

I rarely get to start games, ’cause I’m better in the pinch;
I’ll take your pitch four hundred feet if you miss by an inch.
Utility infielder, though my average isn’t great;
My bat can muscle out the ball from both sides of the plate.

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Brooks Conrad is clutch.

On May 20th, he hit a pinch-hit, walk-off grand slam home run that lifted the Braves over the Cincinnati Reds to cap a seven-run rally.. On July 24, he hit his second pinch-hit, grand slam home run as part of an eight-run Braves eighth inning. And then, on August 10, he hit a pinch-hit two-run shot in the top of the ninth to put the Braves ahead of the Astros. No wonder some people call him “Clutch” Conrad.

Anyway, I was going to write something generic based on him but then last night happened and I decided, the heck with it, I’ll *call* it “Brooks Conrad” and I’ll write what happened.

The only bit of poetic license is that all of Conrad’s six home runs this year came from the same side of the plate. But he is a switch-hitting utility infielder. He was drafted by Houston, and so on.

Enjoy!

Utility Infielder

(can be sung to the tune of “The Streets of Laredo” or  “The Ash Grove” but I prefer “Generations of Change”)

I am a switch hitter, but don’t have much power
I bat in the pinch from the left or the right.
Defensive replacement at second or shortstop
Whatever, wherever you need me tonight

CHORUS:
I wait in the dugout, the bench my position
My jersey displaying my number and name
And when  I am needed, for batwork or glovework
I’m ready and eager to get in the game

I’ll bunt for a single and then steal second
And then go to third on the the sacrifice fly
There are plenty of ways I can cross the plate safely
An error, a balk or a pitch gone awry

CHORUS:

My glove is well-oiled, my bat at the ready
I practice my hitting, take infield drills
Though I don’t play often, I do it with vigor
Utility player still honing my skills.

CHORUS:

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I wrote this for all the guys who wait on the bench. Not good enough to start but good enough to play. Whether they’re used as defensive replacements or pinch hitters/runners, they are important to the team, but sometimes overlooked.

This was something I wrote for my simulation baseball role-playing league, Bring the Heat. In BTH, I have a player who was not good enough and so I wrote this for him. He’s young and would have been in AAA except it was the beginning of the league and warm bodies were needed on the bench. He became big-league roster-filler, a utility MI. Now, he’s starting shortstop for the Cancun Horror, a “rebuilding” team which is a polite way to say they suck.

Defensive Replacement

I want to be a starter
And not just ride the pine.
So put me in the lineup–
One of the starting nine.
I’ll take my bat and take my glove
And show you and the rest–
I may not be your only choice
But you’ll see I’m the best.

Remember when, last Thursday,
It was the second frame,
You had the runner stealing
And he ended up half-lame.
You called me in pinch-run
And left me in to play.
I came up 2-for-3 that night
And turned two double plays

The last time that I started,
When I went 0-for-4…
I took a bases loaded walk
That caused a run to score.
My average is a little low
At just .248
But you know I’d hit better with
Some more time at the plate.

A “defensive replacement”
That’s what you think of me.
A “defensive replacement”
Pinch hit, utility…
I’m a slugger and defender
And I’m good at every base.
But I know that I’m the odd man out,
So I’ll just take my place.

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Most bench guys would like more playing time. Sometimes when they come off the bench, they sparkle. Sometimes, the results are not so good.

This can just about be sung to the Yellow Rose of Texas but this is not quite a recommendation that you try it.